Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Why font matters.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Saturday
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam