The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
NASA has no chill
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else