Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family