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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store