SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.