Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument