me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
#merica
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?