Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.