“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.