I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Just a bush.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
#parenting
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.