15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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