I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
jesus, what did this guy do
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
#StillHurts
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.