Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I don’t make the rules sorry
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one