Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
m’lady
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
me 2 months after i graduated
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”