I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
You Might Also Like
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Life is a suicide mission.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*