Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok