Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Meow
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?