Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.