Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
They did not miss in the small print
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
facebook is down so i am having to improvise