Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I only eat vegetarians.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
S/o to @funTweeters .
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.