Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
when you are just born a rebel
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills