The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I put the p in pants.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
This raises questions
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?