It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.