I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat