love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.