Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Truth
Very good news from my accountant
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.