“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
who wants to go expliring
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works