Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.