WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me