I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Cause of death: Zumba
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I think this cat is broken
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.