Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
o shit
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.