Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Peace was never an option
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here: