ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser