[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS