Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The Weeknd is back
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My dog learned how to text
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.