Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
and now we wait
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Checkmate, Flat Earthers