I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.