When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?