hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
He-man has a Masters degree
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars