Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
When you let grandma cat sit
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.