i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.