Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 ⌠will be using it for all future business correspondence
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyoneâs political signs with the opposing party
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! đ
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My daughter was looking at a photo and askedâŚâHow come you donât look like this anymore?â Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending youâre a cockatiel.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
police cars should play ice cream truck music when theyâre pulling you over for something minor
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.