Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Cat.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
new career option?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Netflix and awkward silence?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?