Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*