HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl