Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
When they try to steal your moment.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.