FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Strangers have the best candy.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!