Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
This forever.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔