You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
tourist season
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
That eye roll….
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…