My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone